Headline: Dairy Queen opens early this year...

Breastfeeding is a curious thing. Women are reprimanded when they don't do it, yet scolded for doing it in public. Any La Leche League-Nazi will preach it's importance, and how it is such a beautiful thing. Really? Milk dripping down your half-deflated tummy and spraying all over your poor, defenseless baby is beautiful?

My philosophy is simple. I make myself do it because it's the healthiest thing for my kids. Also, breast milk happens to be cost efficient, odor free and you never have to worry about heating it up. That, and because I fear the wrath of my R.N. sister if I ever chose not to!!!

Whether you're for it or against it, breastfeeding is a phenomenon all it's own. The biggest thing I've learned is that you have to have a sense of humor or chances are you probably won't succeed. Buy stock in nursing pads, invest in a good pump, use lots of lanolin and take a deep breath.

When I had Carter, the first few weeks were rough. He cried a lot at night and looking back I honestly think he was just hungry and I wasn't feeding him enough because it hurt. Poor little guy. My mother in law explained it best when she said "It will make your toes curl" but if you can make it through the first 3 weeks, you'll be golden. I made it, then didn't stop for 15 months.
I had morphed into a creepy lady who was sad when her toddler was clearly ready to wean, and I was the one crying.

A lot of analogies come into play when dealing with breastfeeding. For instance, when all goes well you can feel like the virgin Mary, or superwoman at the very least. You know, the calm, nurturing rocking chair-bound mother you always imagined? However, most of the time this image is terribly interrupted by the harshness of reality. 9 times out of 10 you will feel like a cow. Especially if you have to pump full time, like I did when I went back to work. Hooked up to all these tubes and wires, you are painfully humbled and yes, unless you are inhuman, you will feel like a heifer. And, don't be surprised if your husband walks in and moos at you, it's only a sign of affection. If you choose to lay on your side and breastfeed in bed in the middle of the night, you may feel like your old friend Porky Pig. Think of the fairgrounds on a nice autumn day when you stroll through the barns and see the big mommy pig laying comfortably in the hay with her little piglet latched on, blissfully unaware of anything around him. In this instance, if your hubby oinks at you, you have my permission to draw the line, haul off and smack him.

This time around with the twinsies, I have to admit that breastfeeding has been much easier now that I know what I'm doing. Last week I set a challenge for myself; latching both babies on at the same time. I'm proud to tell you that I was successful. I am not proud to admit that it is in no way a pretty sight. First of all, this is not something I can do beyond the comfort of my own home. Basically, you have to let it all hang out, there is no way possible you can be discreet. And, if you start dripping milk on your hungry little babes, I've got news for you...there's not much you can do about it because, surprise! You've got your hands full. While much more time efficient (feeding one baby right after the other can take up to an hour plus when all is said and done), it is not always so practical. And this ladies and gentlemen, brings me to one final analogy...dairy bar. When those two little boys are settled on either side of the boppy pillow. I just can't help but visualize them stepping up to a counter and ordering a milkshake. I know, I'm a weirdo but here's where the whole sense of humor comes into play in such a desperate way.